If I never hear another word about global warming, it will be too soon. To me, this constant back and forth about climate change is the most intellectually bankrupt exercise of all time. I don’t care if 99.9% of scientists think that man-made global warming is a reality, and I don’t care what percentage of the populace at large doesn’t believe a word of it. The entire argument strikes me as the worst sort of red herring, and the people who believe in global warming are just feeding a machine of counter-productive idiocy.
Am I the only person who is tired of Dr. Pepper and their nonsensical marketing campaigns? I’ll ignore their obviously ridiculous assertion that they have created a diet soda that tastes like anything besides mouth cancer and self-loathing, and instead concentrate on the absurd notion that a can of Dr. Pepper is somehow a magical conglomeration of 23 delicious flavors. Really, guys? I’ve had a Dr. Pepper or two in my time, so I’m willing to admit that it has slightly more flavors than an ordinary soda. I can see cherry, and vanilla, and high fructose corn syrup. Unless you count early onset diabetes and tooth decay as flavors, that still leaves 20.
Furthermore, who exactly do they think they are impressing with these claims? In the minds of Dr. Pepper’s marketing team, are people holding soda tastings at swanky Manhattan apartment buildings? Do they think rich socialites are holding gatherings where they are pouring tiny amounts of Dr. Pepper into crystal glasses, admiring the bouquet, swishing it around in their mouths, and then spitting it out? Who exactly are they fooling? Let’s face it, if you are buying a Dr. Pepper you are doing it because you want a huge amount of processed sugar and caffeine in your gullet, and you probably don’t have the palette to identify 23 flavors even if they did actually exist.
There are very few things I find more horrifying than humanoid robots. People are bad enough on their own, but stripping everything from a human being but logic centers is especially terrifying.
Years ago, Honda guaranteed that I would never sleep soundly again when they debuted their humanoid "helper" robot, ASIMO. What this thing is supposed to help people do, besides die or serve as a power source for our robot masters, I will never understand.
Even more inexplicable is why they decided it needed to look like a four foot tall version of a LEGO Star Wars Stormtrooper figure. If you can look at a picture of one of those things without imagining 10,000 of them marching through the streets of Chicago in lockstep carrying blaster rifles, you are a person I just can't relate to.
Toyota, not to be outdone, quickly debuted their own mechanized horror, Toyotashi. Toyotashi, as if ASIMO wasn't creepy enough, has the ability to play a trumpet. After all, what is an invading army of robot overlords without a corps of heralds to blow the doom of humanity on their brassy horns?
Clearly, this has been out of control for years now, but now Honda has made their final, fatal mistake. Recently, Honda's Advanced Telecommunications Research Institute unveiled yet another new robot which is capable of, get this, using MRI technology to read human brain waves and replicate human movements. That's right. If you think about clenching your left hand into a fist, the robot will clench its left hand into a fist.
If you are thinking to yourself, "Wow, that has some amazing applications in assisting the disabled to be more self-sufficient", then I pity you. Basically what Honda has announced is that now, when the robot coup finally happens, there will be no defense. Previously, perhaps our human ingenuity could have trumped the cold, hard logic of our potential overlords, but that hope just withered on the vine. What defense can we concoct when they will read our minds and counteract it? After we are overwhelmed and humanity is reduced to a slave race, a simple implant in all newborn humans will guarantee that we can no longer fight back. Our every thought, our every intention, will be an open book for these constructs of metal and evil. No sooner will resistance be contemplated than it will be identified, processed, and brutally crushed.
If anyone needs me, I'll be under my bed.
When I tell you that this is going to be the greatest blog of all time, I do so with a surplus of confidence. Take it from someone who has made this mistake before: doubt at your own risk!